a world of my own

Ishq be kiya maula,
dard bhi diya maula.... jism 2...
what a song.... lyrics, melody, the way the music simply picks me up with it...

I just want to close my eyes and float to wherever the score takes me...
On a boat ride, or glide over moving water, blend time & space...

flashes of green, clouds, fog, wind, and a pleasant cold....

and thru this feeling there is also an ache of the heart, a tugging that seems to cause tears to swell but not spill...

 

As I think of it

As I think and create a space of my own online almost realtime , I wonder if it makes me less creative or more spontaneous?

My heart skipped a beat

It's not supposed to make me feel anything.
It's just a name ... and a comment on a FB profile of a common friend.
And yet, it is everything that it's not supposed to be!

A link to the past, years of comraderie, trust, laughter, flutters of the heart, whispers of the heart, moments of awkwardness. The first beer shared at a Christmas party, the thrills of failing the terms and screaming in relief when we did well.
Then, like a storm it is also dark, cold, windy, with lightening, memories of abrupt phonecalls, of ignoring each other when we are in front of each other, of endless pain in the hurt. Of confusion, of chaos of the heart, of tears and agony, of the heart hurting to scream out the truth, the clear the misunderstndings that seem to be the only things left between 2 dear friends.

When in doubt, people say don't listen to anything but your heart. I wish you had done so.

I close my eyes and I can still see the rainy day at the promenade and you rushing to get us a cab; I can still see you coming home and admitting that you were scared of my mother misunderstanding us; of you staring at me from far end of the party hall with anger and confusion in your eyes because I was with leaving with another friend.
I wish you had listened to your heart because it would've told you, I can be angry but I can't be unfaithful and I can't betray.

We were 2 friends who became each other's pillar of strength. How can pillars be so fragile? How does such a deep friendship fall apart on misunderstandings? On someone else's stories?

Decades later, after attempting to reach out to you, clearing out the fog that was making everything hazy... but fruitless.
Did it hurt so much that it was easier to not listen to your inner voice? Your faith that reassured you that I can't betray.... ? Maybe.

But, when life is at a different dimension now- I wonder if you are still angry enough not to let go. How can it still hurt??

The other woman.

In the life of an Indian man, it is women who lead. From the moment he is born, he is his ' mama's boy'. He is pampered and taught the lessons of life, cushioned from the viciousness of the world, protected from each person who doesn't get approved by his mother. This is till the time, his mother  decides that he is fit to get married.
Then his mother choses his wife and he marries her.Next, his mother decides when he must father a child & take on it's responsibilities.

And when this child is born, the cycle begins again.

And if I re-read the first paragraph a million times, the story of the Indian male will not change.

Then, how is it that today's wives expect their husbands to understand them. And to 'break-free' from the fixed thought processes that they hold and adapt a new, improved or different way of thinking?

If I represent today's modern woman characterized by financial independece, benchmarked education, insight and intellegence through experience and exposure to different situations, then, I can say that this mistake is classic.

Many marriages today end up in couples leading seperate lives under the same roof, or ending their marriage officially through a divorce. A popular reason for marriages to end is infidelity or the 'other woman'. The 'other woman' seeds, influences and defines the man's thought processes & actions.

Here, the 'other woman' can be defined as an overbearing mother, over bearing sisters or the woman with whom the man committed adultery by having a relationship while in a marriage.

Each woman needs to understand that her man already has 'another woman' in his life before he meets you. It could be his mother, his sister, or an ex-girlfriend. But, it is still another woman.
I do not excuse a man who can agree to a relationship with a woman but cannot end his relationship with this 'other woman'. It only leads to a stressful marriage/ relationship.

Men cannot commit to more than one woman at a time & if this woman is his mother, then he must end this emotional dependency. This does not mean he stops loving your mother! It just means the equation changes.

IF this other woman is his sister, then, he must also end the emotional dependancy. He must progress to respecting his sister in her own identity. This identity could be any of the roles that she plays in her own life- as a mother, as a wife or continue to respect her as his sister.

If this other woman is his ex-girlfriend, then he must have no contact with her in his present life. Any man selling his ex as his existing friend has not disconnected from the emotional dependency of the past. This can be disastrous in his current relationship.

And all women out there looking to build a committed relationship must assess her man's emotional dependencies before rushing into it. These ' other woman' can only take away pieces of your relationship and before you know it- you realise that you can never have a whole piece with your man.

And to all those 'other women' - if you love someone let them go. If they love you, they will return, else they were never yours to begin with!

 

Here again

Just when you think that you should stop being paranoid, you are reminded that you can not afford it.
You spend a good part of life learning, then unlearning, and learning again only to realise that this process isn't going to end! It's a vicious circle and each time you think you know what you are doing- you know you are not! Something has to happen for things to remind you that life has it's own course and you just need to follow it.

I always thought that I was able to handle it- whatever it was. But, I can't.

I thought once I ve seen my mother through her journey of being a cancer patient, I was prepared for anything life was to throw at me.

But that's not true. I do not think anyone can really be prepared for illnesses, for hospitals, for surgeries and the constant feeling that you want to run far away from the reality that you need to accept.

How should I be approaching this? What is the right way?
Worry about my husband? Worry about my MIL? step up and use my experience to take charge and guide? But, I can't seem to get over old memories and anger when at each instance, I have been demeaned and ignored; when my experiences and judgement were in right but not important because giving me the center stage and allowing me to be in the limelight was taking away from the other's reason d'etre.

How petty but true. And now I am struggling to make this choice.
A part of me asks- why should I make this MY sole problem? Why should I not protect my health and my mind from exposure to the same environment that ruled my life for 8 years? Do I not have a right to be a little selfish? I think I do. But, a voice inside me is frustrated with this struggle. Besides, I am not confident that my opinion or expertise is relevant for them.
As soon as the dam will burst, and information will flow out, an influx of opinions and advice will begin. And my experience will automatically be irrelavant. For a set of people who have spent 2 years ensuring that their point, their ways and their importance is relevant at the cost of my feelings and my marriage, I believe that my participation isn't integral.

The logical evaluation is based on prior experience... of being hurt of being discounted.

It all comes back to me.
 

Where i come from

I was born into a bhramin family & married outside the bhramin caste. I do not fully understand or connect with this but i feel my body respond when anyone says anything derogotory. Is this really in my genes? And this I learnt while growing up that I am sensitive to my roots- just never did enough to find out ALL that I must know of them. But yet when anyone says we are 'cooks' or ' priests'... on a loose way- I feel the color drain from my face & I object instinctively. And somehow I can't forgiv. So, what is this about?

Spine

I always believe that every person has a 'choice' at all things in life.

Whether it is about even chosing to have a choice firstly. Yes, this may sound complicated but over the past couple of years, I've met enough people who first cannot even accept that they have an alternative from what they feel they are compelled into.

So, the first lesson is to accept that you have a choice in EVERYTHING in life. The choice to not do anything about it is again a CHOICE.

It exasperates me when I meet people who do not acknowledge this basic thing.

After you've acknowledged that you have a choice then comes all the other things about what options and choices you make.

The other personal belief I have is that it's all about 'the extra mile'. There are certain things, people and situations that demand and 'extra mile' from each of us. To be fair to ourselves beyond anything and anyone else, it is important & integral that we 'walk the extra mile'.

Walking the extra mile is actually turning into reality what one wishes, wants or desires. It could a stepping stone towards fulfilling a life-time wish or goal or it could simply be standing up for what you believe in. But, growing up means 'walking the extra mile'.

I've met so many people who make tall claims about who they are as individuals, what they 'personally' believe in, what their wishes are, what they dream to do... moment of truth- they fall apart like a pack of cards....

Personally for me, my beliefs, desires, wishes and dreams are somethings that I would walk the extra mile for ALWAYS.

There are many people and many situations in the past that I've walked the 'extra mile' for and the only thing that I've learnt is I am the only one walking that road.

WE all face moment of truths in many situations in our lives and when we do, we forget to be honest to ourselves. And in that we sacrifice not only ourselves but also the people around us- people who have dedicated their time, emotions and lives around us. How can we be so frivolous about that? But, we are.

As each day passes, and I continue to believe in both these things- my faith in people has reduced to almost nil. People who live lies are more commonly found than those who live the truth- truth of their own lives.

Keeping the Faith

I watched this movie this afternoon and I was amazed at how close it is to my real life.... the main difference being the happy ending... :)...

And they say that movies reflect what happens in real life- reel life mirrors real life. Only thing that real life is not always so positive and so full of happy endings...

Who watches them?

AS I've been recuperating at home, I have to admit I am also guilty of sticking to the TV for a few hours in the afternoon and in the evening through the shameful Hindi soaps. Yes! Me! At the expense of watching an episode where the 'bahus of an elite family' spend 35 minutes debating monthly expenses of the household and 1 dispute of how the money should be spent! And I actually sat through it- my mind absorbing the most idiotic of moments. As I look back now, I realized what I did! I wasted a half hour of my precious life watching that episode- yes, I actually did.

I always as an outsider, ridiculed these soaps and laughed at the pathetic minds that would spend hours watching them- all the women in India who feed off them for entertainment.

Where is the entertainment? There is none! And I fail to see how any average mind can even tolerate these things. But then, there is a whole industry that thrives off this and again my mind can't seem to absorb the reality of it.

When will Indian TV see some intellectual progression as entertainment? I wonder if it ever will.

I may be unfair as an urban individual to comment on what defines entertainment for the mass public of India and this fact just made me realize that it is my ignorance that makes me think this way. Obviously, when the mass India is still expectant of basic education then this level of entertainment is valid.

Then, where is the segmentation for entertainment for the others? Why do we have to also be exposed to sub-intellectual level of entertainment. Above it, rely on the 'world' channels to provide decades old episodes of the American TV seriels. Again, sub-standard because they are not the latest either. Additionally, they also expose us to the American culture instead of our own.

WEll, it's funny but why hasn't anyone thought of this yet? Or has, but there is not enough money to invest in it? Till then, guess I can forgive myself for committing the crime of watching Indian TV.

Finally, back onto the blog after a long break. There's so much to write and yet am feeling a block. Like you know your on the highway, but, the sign posts that warn you of the speed limit seem to limit your gearbox from shifting.

In a way, maybe gathering the thoughts is better than random thoughts not leading to anything- or is it?

I know that this phase is a turn forever- whether away or to a destination is the important thing.

And, I won't know till I get there- like always......

I've come at a wierd cross roads again and the most important thing that I know I should have is utmost faith and belief. But, is that what will work?
I don't claim to be strong anymore, actually am a silly weak-hearted person.... finally, I said it to the world.
In my own selfishness to strive for a better life, I may be asking for too many sacrifices from the other. It may not make sense right now to anyone but in the long run I know I deserve ALL.
It's a sinking feeling to know that I am being deprived of what is my right because the world does not percieve me to have such right....
I finally understand what prejudice is.
The ambiant force that hurdles problems at you, in the pretext of being protective about you.
How much can this last?
Does it mean that I will give in to the fate that is decided by others for me?
Does it mean that I do not even have the right to hope and dream of a better tomorrow?
Of a secure tomorrow?
I don't want to make others pay for what is my handicap... did I just call it that?
Is this what I will think of it- a handicap?

Don't recall what it is like anymore

I don't recall what making my own choices about life is about anymore.
And that is the simple truth.
Waiting it out and it just never seems to end.
Need some direction soon, because if not soon then it'll be never.

People advise me on how life is about choices.
I ask what is that? What is a choice?
Is it not doing anything about everything?
Is it knowing that nothing you do will change the current?
Is mod pein kitni rahe jee leeye kya pata
Is mod pein kitni dukh seh leeye kya pata
Is mod pein waqt tham sa gaya
Jaane kaha yeh rastein le jarey hain
Lekin manzil kahin nazar na aye to yeh mod se bhi kya rishta?
Kya rishta?

Revolutionary Road

This movie may not have been enjoyed by many but I saw something different.
There is a message that I can relate to... (here I know a good friend would've immediately cut me off mid-sentence and said, " You can't relate everthing to your life!"- but then this is me).
Relationships are complex situations (?).
I've always opined that they are about:
1. deep sense of understanding
2. constantly forgiving
3. complete involvement
4. focused direction
5. commitment to move forward
6. selflessness
7. and most of all sacrifice.

I was sitting through the movie and could not help notice that most of these things hold true even if our ‘evolved’ societies.. considering the movie is in the 70’s.

Successful relationships last only because of this interesting mix of what I’ve listed down earlier. Any missing element and things continue to be rocky. It’s not like most of us don’t know these things, then why do we always talk about ‘ I want this’ and ‘ I expect this’?

The key is ‘where do I draw the line’?
When do I stop living someone else’s life and start living my own?
When is it going to be about me?

In the state of confusion in the youth today (I still believe I am part of the youth- J), this is difficult to find.

And the soul searching continues.

But on a not-so-serious note- men should take women seriously when they say ‘NO’!

Once again....

At junctures.... of pain, liberation, new things, old things & more pain.
Even though life is a new chapter each day & a new story each moment, some things we will carry with us. Lessons we learn, people we love, & decisions we make.
And with each new experience, the story continues with new twists and turns.

IF life did not consist of so many stories that run parallely, it would not be life.
IF people always knew how you felt, they would never be a chapter in your life but be the story of your life.

I wish there was a way to let someone know that they make a difference in your life.
I wish that what you wanted was as least known to the other.

What is love?
Is love wanting the other's happiness?
Is love wanting to be together forever?
Is love wanting to protect the other from the ugly in life?
Is love giving direction when they may see none?
Is love keeping quiet when needed & letting things go when the other wants?
Is love still wanting a person in your life when all seems to be going wrong?
Is love wanting to run to him when all seems to be going wrong?
Is love where you seem to find peace?
Is love only when it's both ways?
Is love beyond people & situations?
Is love there at all?

Guess life is bigger than love, & love is not larger than life.
That is what makes all the difference.

When did I let go of me?

There are some days when you are reminded that you've forgotten who you originally are.
Over the years, I spent learning, adapting & somewhere I became too nice. I wish I knew that management lessons of giving others the space to opine does not mean agreeing with them, and it does not mean that I have to change my views.
Somewhere along the way, I started living someone else's life... and this year I've resolved to live my own. Let's see where it takes me. Will I become rebellious? Too aggressive? Too opinionated?
Or will I get tired of fighting for my individuality and slip into my habit of giving in?
I'd like to know when I let go of me. Someone once dedicated a long time reminding me in small ways that I had to find me. But, I never could & maybe would but never did for good.
In small ways, in tiny actions, and quck chats I was led to being me. But, when I started swimming on my own, I no longer know how to be me-those small lessons seem forgotten.
Today, finding me within myself is difficult... but, I have not given up. Because, giving up is for cowards. The key is to find my space. And in my space, I will find me.

Hope once again....

It seems the flavor of the season and even before is HOPE. Obama and more... it's all about hope. I just hope that (no pun intended here) that this positivity permeats every negative activity that occurs. Too much to hope for?Each day is a new lesson & mine today was again HOPE!Lost in my thoughts as usual in the train this morning, I am woken out of my slumber with sudden burst of noise & activity.A couple of stations down from where I boarded, a bunch of young girls stormed into the train compartment bursting with energy. Hyper active and looking forward to a fun-filled day, they reminded me of my childhood days.Screaming with excitement & charged with electrifying energy levels, they brought smiles on most women in the compartment.I think each of them was thinking the same thing as I was, flashback to our own school days when life was so much simpler & each day was a brand new start. No worries, only fun!

Hope is in the air...

Rags to Riches

Evey Indian dream is built by hope. Hope to survive through the meagre rations of life that Indians live by. Most are not blessed with abundance & do live the most neutral lifestyles.
Although, I agree that Slumdog Millionaire may have been a tad overdone in rags to riches story..it is not far from representing the significance of HOPE that we Indians have in us.

The story is beautifully crafted around a young man who represents a large section of Indian society, maybe not by his background, but surely by the experiences he goes through. He is the underdog, the guy who has to give up more in life to learn that he will have to fight for his rights if he believes he has them! Most Indians understand life to be REAL- always demanding to give up more than ask for, always being served less than the appetite... Indian lives are not about abundance but about rationing. Rationing emotions, rationing money, rationing food and even rationing space... we urbanites would understand that from very near.

It's unfair to say that the movie represents india as an underbellied nation, because our growth story is restricted to a certain section of society and the real problems stare us in the face even amongst all the "india shining'.

Beyond the actual story, the movie also mobilizes an emotion that some of us may have buried within us- the emotion of empathising with others, the core values of understanding the common stories around us and not being blinded by our abundant lives.

Being an urbanite all my life, the movie made me pause and look at my life from outside and appreciate the most natural components of food, water & shelter. My sensitive side has been rudely awakened by the stories that bring to life the realities of a lot of street children that I see every day of my life.

A small incidence today sums up the impact of this movie on my soul...
I was traveling by train to my workplace & was rudely interjected by a small hand roughly scratching my leg. I was lost in thoughts playing to the music in my ears and did not notice a street child begging me for money. Once shaken from my void, I see that she is accompanied by 2 blind boys who are singing praise of "Shirdi Sai Baba' in a bhajan that I recognize from a movie.
A flashback from the movie kills the positivity in me in that moment because I now KNOW the story behind the lives of these 3 children & many more like them.

I have to admit, the movie has made me human again.

Change is a constant

Lifes biggest challenges and changes coming through at the same time.
It is not enough to know that you've faced many before and this should not be new but each time it's a different feeling.
Acceptance is the biggest challenge and that which only time permits you to embrace.
An inner calling is not always an easy path, neither is it a path full of pains that are easy to deal with.
But, this inner calling is the most important voice that decides the path of life.
As I accept this inner calling, I do not know what it holds, and will have regrets but those that I can live with.
It is easier to deal with the feeling that I did what I must do rather than what I'd like to do.

Bhachna Aee Haseeno.

A good entertainer with a moral for those who want to see it. For all the guys out there who knowingly or unknowingly are spoiling lives of women with sincere emotions. Have I touched a sensitive cord for you guys? Welll, the fact remains that women are mostly thinking by the heart & men think from else where and I was not talking of the head my friends.

Good songs, good scenic locations, a typical masala movie. But, it does make you laugh out loud at times and that is the feather in the cap for the movie I think.

Ranbir proves to have the Kapoor blood but his girly looks defy the character he wants to portray. Yes, maybe for this role where he plays a casanova with innocent looks, his face fits the bill. But, he cannot play the hunk at any cost.

Deepika looks too old for him in real and reel life and that is all I’d like to say about it.

The fun in the movie is fast-moving story till the intermission.

After all, the Bollywood flavor has to come in and without the melodrama and the sacarificing hero the movie is not complete… and the movie so continues after the intermission.

I would rate it a good entertainer and not more.

Minisha Lamba is too short but can still play the supporting heroine and pull it off.

Bipasha needs to move onto more intense roles. Ranbir looks like her ‘baby’ in the movie… pun intended my friends. J

And all’s well that ends well.. the hero has to meet his dreams. Can we try another slightly more realistic end to our movies please???

Ps. Shiney Ahuja would’ve pulled this off better.