a world of my own

Ishq be kiya maula,
dard bhi diya maula.... jism 2...
what a song.... lyrics, melody, the way the music simply picks me up with it...

I just want to close my eyes and float to wherever the score takes me...
On a boat ride, or glide over moving water, blend time & space...

flashes of green, clouds, fog, wind, and a pleasant cold....

and thru this feeling there is also an ache of the heart, a tugging that seems to cause tears to swell but not spill...

 

As I think of it

As I think and create a space of my own online almost realtime , I wonder if it makes me less creative or more spontaneous?

My heart skipped a beat

It's not supposed to make me feel anything.
It's just a name ... and a comment on a FB profile of a common friend.
And yet, it is everything that it's not supposed to be!

A link to the past, years of comraderie, trust, laughter, flutters of the heart, whispers of the heart, moments of awkwardness. The first beer shared at a Christmas party, the thrills of failing the terms and screaming in relief when we did well.
Then, like a storm it is also dark, cold, windy, with lightening, memories of abrupt phonecalls, of ignoring each other when we are in front of each other, of endless pain in the hurt. Of confusion, of chaos of the heart, of tears and agony, of the heart hurting to scream out the truth, the clear the misunderstndings that seem to be the only things left between 2 dear friends.

When in doubt, people say don't listen to anything but your heart. I wish you had done so.

I close my eyes and I can still see the rainy day at the promenade and you rushing to get us a cab; I can still see you coming home and admitting that you were scared of my mother misunderstanding us; of you staring at me from far end of the party hall with anger and confusion in your eyes because I was with leaving with another friend.
I wish you had listened to your heart because it would've told you, I can be angry but I can't be unfaithful and I can't betray.

We were 2 friends who became each other's pillar of strength. How can pillars be so fragile? How does such a deep friendship fall apart on misunderstandings? On someone else's stories?

Decades later, after attempting to reach out to you, clearing out the fog that was making everything hazy... but fruitless.
Did it hurt so much that it was easier to not listen to your inner voice? Your faith that reassured you that I can't betray.... ? Maybe.

But, when life is at a different dimension now- I wonder if you are still angry enough not to let go. How can it still hurt??

The other woman.

In the life of an Indian man, it is women who lead. From the moment he is born, he is his ' mama's boy'. He is pampered and taught the lessons of life, cushioned from the viciousness of the world, protected from each person who doesn't get approved by his mother. This is till the time, his mother  decides that he is fit to get married.
Then his mother choses his wife and he marries her.Next, his mother decides when he must father a child & take on it's responsibilities.

And when this child is born, the cycle begins again.

And if I re-read the first paragraph a million times, the story of the Indian male will not change.

Then, how is it that today's wives expect their husbands to understand them. And to 'break-free' from the fixed thought processes that they hold and adapt a new, improved or different way of thinking?

If I represent today's modern woman characterized by financial independece, benchmarked education, insight and intellegence through experience and exposure to different situations, then, I can say that this mistake is classic.

Many marriages today end up in couples leading seperate lives under the same roof, or ending their marriage officially through a divorce. A popular reason for marriages to end is infidelity or the 'other woman'. The 'other woman' seeds, influences and defines the man's thought processes & actions.

Here, the 'other woman' can be defined as an overbearing mother, over bearing sisters or the woman with whom the man committed adultery by having a relationship while in a marriage.

Each woman needs to understand that her man already has 'another woman' in his life before he meets you. It could be his mother, his sister, or an ex-girlfriend. But, it is still another woman.
I do not excuse a man who can agree to a relationship with a woman but cannot end his relationship with this 'other woman'. It only leads to a stressful marriage/ relationship.

Men cannot commit to more than one woman at a time & if this woman is his mother, then he must end this emotional dependency. This does not mean he stops loving your mother! It just means the equation changes.

IF this other woman is his sister, then, he must also end the emotional dependancy. He must progress to respecting his sister in her own identity. This identity could be any of the roles that she plays in her own life- as a mother, as a wife or continue to respect her as his sister.

If this other woman is his ex-girlfriend, then he must have no contact with her in his present life. Any man selling his ex as his existing friend has not disconnected from the emotional dependency of the past. This can be disastrous in his current relationship.

And all women out there looking to build a committed relationship must assess her man's emotional dependencies before rushing into it. These ' other woman' can only take away pieces of your relationship and before you know it- you realise that you can never have a whole piece with your man.

And to all those 'other women' - if you love someone let them go. If they love you, they will return, else they were never yours to begin with!

 

Here again

Just when you think that you should stop being paranoid, you are reminded that you can not afford it.
You spend a good part of life learning, then unlearning, and learning again only to realise that this process isn't going to end! It's a vicious circle and each time you think you know what you are doing- you know you are not! Something has to happen for things to remind you that life has it's own course and you just need to follow it.

I always thought that I was able to handle it- whatever it was. But, I can't.

I thought once I ve seen my mother through her journey of being a cancer patient, I was prepared for anything life was to throw at me.

But that's not true. I do not think anyone can really be prepared for illnesses, for hospitals, for surgeries and the constant feeling that you want to run far away from the reality that you need to accept.

How should I be approaching this? What is the right way?
Worry about my husband? Worry about my MIL? step up and use my experience to take charge and guide? But, I can't seem to get over old memories and anger when at each instance, I have been demeaned and ignored; when my experiences and judgement were in right but not important because giving me the center stage and allowing me to be in the limelight was taking away from the other's reason d'etre.

How petty but true. And now I am struggling to make this choice.
A part of me asks- why should I make this MY sole problem? Why should I not protect my health and my mind from exposure to the same environment that ruled my life for 8 years? Do I not have a right to be a little selfish? I think I do. But, a voice inside me is frustrated with this struggle. Besides, I am not confident that my opinion or expertise is relevant for them.
As soon as the dam will burst, and information will flow out, an influx of opinions and advice will begin. And my experience will automatically be irrelavant. For a set of people who have spent 2 years ensuring that their point, their ways and their importance is relevant at the cost of my feelings and my marriage, I believe that my participation isn't integral.

The logical evaluation is based on prior experience... of being hurt of being discounted.

It all comes back to me.