Just when you think that you should stop being paranoid, you are reminded that you can not afford it.
You spend a good part of life learning, then unlearning, and learning again only to realise that this process isn't going to end! It's a vicious circle and each time you think you know what you are doing- you know you are not! Something has to happen for things to remind you that life has it's own course and you just need to follow it.
I always thought that I was able to handle it- whatever it was. But, I can't.
I thought once I ve seen my mother through her journey of being a cancer patient, I was prepared for anything life was to throw at me.
But that's not true. I do not think anyone can really be prepared for illnesses, for hospitals, for surgeries and the constant feeling that you want to run far away from the reality that you need to accept.
How should I be approaching this? What is the right way?
Worry about my husband? Worry about my MIL? step up and use my experience to take charge and guide? But, I can't seem to get over old memories and anger when at each instance, I have been demeaned and ignored; when my experiences and judgement were in right but not important because giving me the center stage and allowing me to be in the limelight was taking away from the other's reason d'etre.
How petty but true. And now I am struggling to make this choice.
A part of me asks- why should I make this MY sole problem? Why should I not protect my health and my mind from exposure to the same environment that ruled my life for 8 years? Do I not have a right to be a little selfish? I think I do. But, a voice inside me is frustrated with this struggle. Besides, I am not confident that my opinion or expertise is relevant for them.
As soon as the dam will burst, and information will flow out, an influx of opinions and advice will begin. And my experience will automatically be irrelavant. For a set of people who have spent 2 years ensuring that their point, their ways and their importance is relevant at the cost of my feelings and my marriage, I believe that my participation isn't integral.
The logical evaluation is based on prior experience... of being hurt of being discounted.
It all comes back to me.
You spend a good part of life learning, then unlearning, and learning again only to realise that this process isn't going to end! It's a vicious circle and each time you think you know what you are doing- you know you are not! Something has to happen for things to remind you that life has it's own course and you just need to follow it.
I always thought that I was able to handle it- whatever it was. But, I can't.
I thought once I ve seen my mother through her journey of being a cancer patient, I was prepared for anything life was to throw at me.
But that's not true. I do not think anyone can really be prepared for illnesses, for hospitals, for surgeries and the constant feeling that you want to run far away from the reality that you need to accept.
How should I be approaching this? What is the right way?
Worry about my husband? Worry about my MIL? step up and use my experience to take charge and guide? But, I can't seem to get over old memories and anger when at each instance, I have been demeaned and ignored; when my experiences and judgement were in right but not important because giving me the center stage and allowing me to be in the limelight was taking away from the other's reason d'etre.
How petty but true. And now I am struggling to make this choice.
A part of me asks- why should I make this MY sole problem? Why should I not protect my health and my mind from exposure to the same environment that ruled my life for 8 years? Do I not have a right to be a little selfish? I think I do. But, a voice inside me is frustrated with this struggle. Besides, I am not confident that my opinion or expertise is relevant for them.
As soon as the dam will burst, and information will flow out, an influx of opinions and advice will begin. And my experience will automatically be irrelavant. For a set of people who have spent 2 years ensuring that their point, their ways and their importance is relevant at the cost of my feelings and my marriage, I believe that my participation isn't integral.
The logical evaluation is based on prior experience... of being hurt of being discounted.
It all comes back to me.
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