It's not supposed to make me feel anything.
It's just a name ... and a comment on a FB profile of a common friend.
And yet, it is everything that it's not supposed to be!
A link to the past, years of comraderie, trust, laughter, flutters of the heart, whispers of the heart, moments of awkwardness. The first beer shared at a Christmas party, the thrills of failing the terms and screaming in relief when we did well.
Then, like a storm it is also dark, cold, windy, with lightening, memories of abrupt phonecalls, of ignoring each other when we are in front of each other, of endless pain in the hurt. Of confusion, of chaos of the heart, of tears and agony, of the heart hurting to scream out the truth, the clear the misunderstndings that seem to be the only things left between 2 dear friends.
When in doubt, people say don't listen to anything but your heart. I wish you had done so.
I close my eyes and I can still see the rainy day at the promenade and you rushing to get us a cab; I can still see you coming home and admitting that you were scared of my mother misunderstanding us; of you staring at me from far end of the party hall with anger and confusion in your eyes because I was with leaving with another friend.
I wish you had listened to your heart because it would've told you, I can be angry but I can't be unfaithful and I can't betray.
We were 2 friends who became each other's pillar of strength. How can pillars be so fragile? How does such a deep friendship fall apart on misunderstandings? On someone else's stories?
Decades later, after attempting to reach out to you, clearing out the fog that was making everything hazy... but fruitless.
Did it hurt so much that it was easier to not listen to your inner voice? Your faith that reassured you that I can't betray.... ? Maybe.
But, when life is at a different dimension now- I wonder if you are still angry enough not to let go. How can it still hurt??
It's just a name ... and a comment on a FB profile of a common friend.
And yet, it is everything that it's not supposed to be!
A link to the past, years of comraderie, trust, laughter, flutters of the heart, whispers of the heart, moments of awkwardness. The first beer shared at a Christmas party, the thrills of failing the terms and screaming in relief when we did well.
Then, like a storm it is also dark, cold, windy, with lightening, memories of abrupt phonecalls, of ignoring each other when we are in front of each other, of endless pain in the hurt. Of confusion, of chaos of the heart, of tears and agony, of the heart hurting to scream out the truth, the clear the misunderstndings that seem to be the only things left between 2 dear friends.
When in doubt, people say don't listen to anything but your heart. I wish you had done so.
I close my eyes and I can still see the rainy day at the promenade and you rushing to get us a cab; I can still see you coming home and admitting that you were scared of my mother misunderstanding us; of you staring at me from far end of the party hall with anger and confusion in your eyes because I was with leaving with another friend.
I wish you had listened to your heart because it would've told you, I can be angry but I can't be unfaithful and I can't betray.
We were 2 friends who became each other's pillar of strength. How can pillars be so fragile? How does such a deep friendship fall apart on misunderstandings? On someone else's stories?
Decades later, after attempting to reach out to you, clearing out the fog that was making everything hazy... but fruitless.
Did it hurt so much that it was easier to not listen to your inner voice? Your faith that reassured you that I can't betray.... ? Maybe.
But, when life is at a different dimension now- I wonder if you are still angry enough not to let go. How can it still hurt??
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